"Lay Me Down on a Bed of Roses"...

Little did I notice that the more I tried to understand life, the more I accept the tragedies-- the more I suffocate.

Imagine you've established your comfort zone, your go to place, and it suddenly fell apart-- nope, worse-- it suddenly collapsed. Into bits and pieces, not even leaving a single part to be remembered.

The more I tried to understand life, the more it took me deeper to my darkest fear--
Not having anyone, nor anything.

Was it my fault to rely my happiness, my thoughts, my whole entire life on something so complicated?
Shouldn't it be something pleasing when you're kept as someone's key to their happiness?

The more I accept the tragedies, the more it took me to places I never want to go--
A place where my life were just filled with series of unexpected nightmare.

I didn't try to run away from what befalls me, in fact, I did live with it.
Wasn't it supposed to get better once you accept the cruelty of life?

The more I suffocate, the more I drowned myself in whatever I could do to end it.
It just hasn't gone to the worst part.



Being completely gone.

I'm Not the Balloon

My head is currently full.

Over-full, to be exact.

The appearance of irrational thoughts, recalling things I don't want to remember, and making myself feel bad over and over. Probably the only thing I can think of doing was to write.
(A first timer of writing true story with present tense. So reader(s?), this is happening. Right. Now.)

It's pouring rain and the night gets worse.
Everyone's tucked,

and loneliness starts to wrap around me.

Thunder.

Freaked the fuck out of me.

Shit,
I forgot what to write?

Alright.

Things have been going on in my mind,
wandering, surrounding,

But somehow they resemble to one thing.

You know, it's not easy when you carry something that blocks up your mind and you can't really get them out.

So disturbing that it makes you cry.

Have you guys ever get the feeling where you just wanted to cry? Without any reason. Literally no reason at all.

Well, maybe there were things behind it, but they're not happening at the same time as your brain's demand of crying. They have passed. But why do I feel like crying just now?

Let's just say I'm a balloon and I'm filled with air, the air was so much that I  finally exploded.

My thoughts are the air. These tears are the explosion. And I'm the balloon.

Too much, these are just too much.

I was writing in order of hoping that I would get better elaboration of why my head is so full.

Let's just sort these thoughts one by one.

1.) I am worried.

Thinking of losing a member of my family never crossed my brain before. Even for a second. But today I just thought about so much illogical things and things that weren't yet to be thought about, and though I know they're illogical, I kept thinking about it. If looking at the previous days would help, I still saw nothing big had happened. In all of a sudden I just had this weird sight out of nowhere and it made me overthink. Until now, as you can read.

So I decided to sleep and hoping that the next day the thoughts would be a little "lighter".

But nope.

2.) I'm remembering the things I regret.

So of course, in life, I have this chain of stupid actions and moments that I regret of doing, and experiencing. Whenever I think about it, it makes me sick and just feel disgusted. To myself. So those chains suddenly popped (now are popping) up in my head. And they don't crack a little. They still stood perfectly in my head.

3.) I'm feeling insecure. For the 1827483492th time.

This disease had gone for a long time (one week) and I thought I could finally enjoy my life without being so anxious about how do I look... But why does it have to come and attack my walls again? To cure yourself from insecurities were- and are not easy. Never easy. It will become worse when the level increases. Yup. It increases. When I used to have anxiety over my appearance, now I'm also insecure of my.. Cognitive. And attitude. Like.. Y THO?

4.) I have too much to be sad about.

God, I wish I have this sorting machine in my head so I could differentiate what kind of sadness, the levels, how to stop them, etc. There are just so much to be sad about and I couldn't get rid of them because I don't know the cause!? It's so weird that I let myself drown in so much sorrow that are not really there. It's like I'm giving myself something that doesn't even exist.

Wait.

I'm giving myself..

...

Why I always think that my problems can never be solved.

Why I always have so much things in my head.

Why I always overthink..

It's because I'm throwing so much shit in my brain. While I don't have to.

Well, though I know the reason behind it, it doesn't mean it stops already..

But yea. I'm not the balloon, peops.

I'm the blower.

Because I Can't (The Story of Hydrangea and Rain)

HYDRANGEA

In the middle of an extremely hot city, a Hydrangea was planted. Not since the beginning though, it used to grow in a place where it should have been-- wet and cool. But since the area was no longer suitable, plants were moved to new places. Each one of them. And they should survive in the areas they were placed-- including Hydrangea. Its new home was awfully different. Although the owner of Hydrangea's new home watered the garden routinely, there was still something missing. Something Hydrangea used to have. Something Hydrangea loved the most...

Rain.

In its old home, the rain used to pour more often than here. Hydrangea knew that rain would come to visit occasionally, not for every day. Even so, Hydrangea still hoped Rain would shower its soil for each day and night.

So Hydrangea waited.
And waited.

One day, the wind blew harder than usual. Nimbus cloud slowly filled the sky; a sign of something pouring was about to come.

"Hey, thank you for coming."

"No problem, it's my time to come down anyway."

"Yeah..."

Hydrangea was tired of waiting. Hydrangea was tired of hoping. It didn't feel right to hope without trying to change anything. And so Hydrangea tried to demand...

"Hey, rain. May I ask you something?"

"Sure. What is it?"

"Can you come every day?"

"Oh, Hydrangea. You know I can't."

"But why?"

"I thought you knew? I need several things to pour. Enough water from the sea, the sunlight that forms evaporation, nimbus clouds, and et cetera. I couldn't just come down anytime, Hydrangea."

"But we were best friends, right? It was easy to feel rain when I was up there, why can't it be like that here?"

"We still are. But you know why I couldn't come every day."

---

RAIN

The weather that brought water to the land. Some waited for it, some hated it. Though so, the rain still did what it supposed to do. Sun heated the sea water, it evaporated, formed clouds, turned to Nimbus, then came the time for the rain to wet the land.

You know what rain loved the most? Mountains. Rain could pour itself into mountains for each hour and never get tired. Rain knew that its job was to water every corner of earth equally, but somehow giving more to what it loved was satisfying, though it wasn't right.

But the rain knew that mountains loved something else, which was the wind. It blew for each second in mountains, the main reason why mountain went head over hills for it; as to how it was always there even when the sun shined brightly. Unlike the rain.

Though the rain watered highlands more than lowlands, rain still hoped it could pour in mountains whenever to make it fall back for the rain, even if it had to be each second.

One day, it was time for the rain to pour in lowland and shower one of its all-time best friend: Hydrangea. Long story short, a conversation between both creatures happened. Hydrangea demanded the rain to come down each day. The rain explained, but Hydrangea insisted.

...

"But we were best friends, right? It was easy to feel rain when I was up there, why can't it be like that here?"

"We still are. But you know why I couldn't come every day."

Both Hydrangea and Rain stopped talking for a moment.

...

Until the rain finally decided to spit it out.

"Hydrangea, did you know that I couldn't come down to lowland anytime even though I wanted to?"

"You wanted to?"

"Yes, of course. Seeing my best friend suffer was not easy."

Hydrangea stunned.

"You know what, Hydrangea? Your owner loved you so much that she watered you every day."

"I know. So?"

"Oh, Hydrangea. There are other things that can give what you need for what I gave you. Though the forms are different, you see, you need to look around. Even if you wanted me to water you every day, I couldn't because I am made to come down occasionally. But look at your owner, she watered you for each day and night; because she loves you, of course. And you know what's the most important part, Hydrangea?"

"What, rain?"

 "Because she can."

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By: Neen.

Yogyakarta,

18th of January 2018. 4:37 AM.
I hope everyone (also you) gets the message.

What Goes Around Comes Back Around

I remembered I wrote about how 2016 ended and 2017 began.

It was written with all the pathetic words that could ever describe the saddest person in the middle of a new year euphoria.

Now that I knew 2017 was away, I just had to write how it ended.

But surprisingly, I don’t need to write new words to picture 2017’s closure.

You know?

I could just copy-paste what I wrote exactly a year ago.

Funny how year-end never changed.

January

first week

(happy celebrate-less new year!)

            First week of January (or 2018) was probably the plainest new-year-week I have ever experienced my whole 18 years of living. Maybe this is actually how ‘getting older and enjoying peace’ that everyone talk about feels like. I didn’t celebrate December 31^st with fireworks, barbecues, or even with my eyes open. I literally slept at 9 PM and woke up early in the morning.. without any new year sensation. And the most important part is.. I’m okay with all that.

            So what did the first week gave me? Well, I remembered on the first day my dad asked to watch Ayat Ayat Cinta 2 and from that moment on I finally found the love of my life HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA seriously Fedrian Nuril is so adorable I just can’t.

After getting so hype of Fedi Nuril, the next day got me pretty fucked up. Funny how this world brought me up and slammed me so hard right after. Not blaming anyone for my anger and disappointment, but knowing people I expected to be well-respected literally lost mine at a glance of seconds was pretty shocking. Not going to talk about it here, maybe in another blogpost. The next days were just regular holidays (re; extra procrastination time).

            Overall, I enjoyed got along with the ups and downs of emotion the first week gave me. From this blogpost I also present gratitude for the people who involved in making me happy, as well as those who made my day just as if I burnt in hell. You guys built me up. Especially you, girl.

GIFs of the week:

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Yogyakarta,

7th of January 2018. 16:16 PM.

I jogged today. My leg hurt.

second week

(am i too busy or just barely felt the rush?)

           Two bad news, two good news. The bad news are: I got sick. Probably considering to the things that I did this week... or my body was just surprised of doing so much activities? Nevermind, I enjoyed my illness and activities anyway. Second, my GPA for the first semester was.. a bad news. Well, I admit that my expectation was too high regarding to my efforts in midterm and final exam, so I shouldn't be so surprised in getting such "standard" GPA. (Probably the major cause of my stress in the first semester also took a part in this). There are still 7 more (harder) chances, I SHOULD BE PREPARED!!!
           The good news are: I was busy. I don't know is it just me or does everyone who never felt so busy gets very excited when they can finally be busy? Cause I did, and even though I got sick because of it, but it made me feel like I am more.. worthy? Productive? Whatever you call it. Second, I can finally be more concerned with myself. From my health, body, and the most important.. my happiness :). It was very tiring and worthless since I suffered from so much illness, pain, also heartbreaks, and as time goes by I decided to think more and more about myself and what I do, regardless to what people think. And being at home felt more comfortable rather than going out hoping to earn "something" in the middle of the crowds (it turned out that I felt more lonely when I'm outside). That was the last and best news.

GIFs of the week:

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Yogyakarta,

13th of January 2018. 06:42 AM.

Good morning from the girl in pink pajamas.

third week

(and to Him we will return)

           So far, January did me good. From new experiences, new situation, even nonstop blessing. Nothing big went on the third week of January, I started my long-forgotten course, I exercised more, and stuffs like that. However... I do have a story to tell.

            I got an obituary from a friend of mine. It was so shocking that when I heard the news, the first thing that went on my mind was buying a ticket to come and see her. Her mother passed away. I was so shocked that it got my body all stoned. Long story short, I finally got to her house the next day and gave her supports, glad that she could finally smile like before.

           You know, nothing lasts forever. Even the most beautiful things on earth. My friend's mother was a really nice woman. She was so generous, smart, kind, humble, and whenever I met her she always smiled. Always. She always greet her daughters' friends; in fact- none of her daughter's friends don't know her. Yes, she was that humble. Even in her instagram there were still people who gave comment about how nice she was and they were all sad to lose her.

           As from what I knew, she survived from a breast cancer. But she had a complication in her liver and it made the cancer became malignant, until it finally took her away from everyone. I couldn't really "retell" the story about her, but what I wanted to say is that: she died beautifully. Though I know, it still hurts my friend and her sister, but it was like she was prepared for it. 

           All she left was kindness. What people will remember is nothing but her kindness-- and that is what will save the most precious thing she left; her daughters.

GIFs of the week:

  

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Surakarta,

20th of January 2018. 4:58 PM.

Being alone isn't that bad.

fourth week

(eenie meenie minie mo)

           I opened my journal and took a flashback about what had happened for the week. Well, as always.. Nothing. Literally not a thing. I planned, it cancelled. I planned, it happened. Just like that for the wh000le week. Really. Oh.. I have something.

            I'm not the kind of girl who puts wise quotes in my blog or motivates people. I just write what I feel and experience. I'm not the kind of person who always have my life all together. I planned and I'll just wait whether it could work or fall to pieces.

            BUT. For this month, I have so much to do. Since they were so much, I didn't finish them all. Cause I don't know where to start, or what to start. I'm kind of disturbed by the way I couldn't choose something and the way I'm always confused of what to do first. Paradox of choice. This disturbs me so much, because I also realized that it's not only for "choosing" one important activity out of thousands, but it also happens when I choose things. For example, I wanted to buy a crepe. I wanted the chocolate crepe. But when it's time for me to decide dark chocolate, white chocolate, sprinkled chocolate, milk chocolate, chocolate chip, moreover when the chocolates have different brands.. I could stand in front of the cashier for half an hour! I once caught the man who was serving me yawned. Like, you know, YAWNED. "Hoahm..", he said. Well, fuck it.

           I happen to find why I am like that is because I have so much to consider.. While they're not that important. It became worse when the final strategy to end my "paradox of choice" was to eenie meenie the choices I had in front of me. Then I ended up regreting it. Well, fuck it. (2)

           So now I'm trying to figure out whether this is a disease for real or.. Maybe my brain is just not working at its best. Me ending this month with confusions.

GIFs of the week:

 

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Yogyakarta,

28th of January 2018. 7:13 PM.

Should I go to Solo or not?