Let's start with my struggle.
3 years of an on-and-off relationship dug holes in many parts of my heart. Without trying to hyperbolise, the fact that my past relationship brought the most tears to my high school life really put on so many negative impacts on my current life.
"Why don't you just move on already? He's sick.", said most people.
No matter how logical I'm trying to think and act, the practical move was (and is) not something I could master at one time directly. I trained myself not to act up when looking at his pictures, done. I made myself got used to knowing him with other girls, checked. I even habituate on hearing rumours about him among all my friends. But why does every time I see him in person, it's always a difficult thing to manage?
I definitely don't practice seeing him with-- an effort to move on? And in that case, seeing him is the same as having a pile of hatreds, disappointments, and sadness served right in front of my eyes.
Knowing that I was unwanted yet I kept on suffering to maintain my relationship really hit me. Have you ever had that intuition where you felt like your lover is having feelings for someone else he couldn't reach, and in the meantime he decided keep you just because he knew you would accept him at all times? I did. And guess what? They finally ended up being together. With leaving me, just like a worthless piece of trash.
I did all the things I could to make myself feel better-- from completely blocking him out until getting used to seeing him on social media. The results are the same, every time I see him it still scrambles my heart. It still blows the fire inside me. It still hurts.
It's been 7 months since the last time we contacted each other. Ever since, I never felt better yet worse at the same time. It's like I'm between the junction of hatreds and letting go. Two different things, occurring at the same time.
People say in order to move on, maybe the right way is to find a new one.
Yes, and no.
I found opening my heart to someone else enhances my spirit on getting through my days. But for me, being able to function better each day is not the same with letting go and forgiving. I thought I needed an explanation. I thought I needed an apology. But, would it really work?
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Surakarta,
8th of February 2019. 12:42 AM.
Sumber.
