Messed Up

Greetings to my old, dusty blog.

God it's been like months since I wrote my last blog. *remembering those good old times of Lantai Bumi*.
And from the gaps of time I did not write anything, so MANY things changed; from situations to people. Disappeared, came across, gone, replaced.. too much I can't even describe each one.

I also deleted some, well probably most of my writings I posted due to their disgustingness. So I decided to keep them private. Who would even want to read them (again) anyway?

*sighs*
I have been so goddamn tired.

What a sub-heading, right.

I am in college now and just fyi I made it to the faculty and university of my junior-high dream (even though not the program I wanted). Apart from the euphoria of getting accepted, the follow-up after it was where the shit got real. I thought being in the faculty of "healing mental illness" would at least prevent me from getting depressed. Not at all.

Papers, quizes, exams, organisations, committees, friends, lov-

...nevermind.

Those above were what have been torturing me in my first two months of college.

Adapting to a new situation was not a new thing for me. Flashing back to the history that my family never stayed in one place, I was the freshman girl that adapted pretty well, and fast. So before entering college I did not prepare anything in particular, such as...

Mentality.

I never thought the importance of mental health would be a thing to mind in college. My definition of mental health here is: emotionally stable, keeping calm, and not overthinking things that don't matter.
The assignments of college are already killing and mentally prepared for the things outside academic matter is so very necessary.

I started the first month of college with the problem of (sorry) l****ove. I know, disgusting. But it was the goddamn reality. And you know? It fucked me up. Literally   f u c k e d   m e   u p.

I was not prepared for anything such as heartbreaks because I thought everything was going to be okay I mean hey, we're in college now, we're being adults here, things like BETRAYING or something like that should (have) NOT happen, right? But then the truth of life came up and blew the idealism of faith. Not going to write anything "pathetic" for now, I am still disgusted.

There.
First chaos of college got me all messed up. I could not differentiate between my own priority of life. The time I got fucked up or I should say "heartbroken" made me lost my mind and I started to destruct my own mission of the first vision of getting in college: "Studying and Improving Positiveness for Myself (Then for Others)."

Not having enough sleep, thinking "what did I even do?" over Ivan Pavlov's experiment, and most of all: losing my confidence; were the the top 3 things which caught me up in a mess.

No, not just a mess.
Wrecked up. Destroyed. Trampled.

_________________________________
Yogyakarta,
9th of October 2017. 7:13 AM.
Today's midterm exam is Civics. I should have been studying now, not sipping coffee in McDonald's. Wish me luck.
_________________________________

People say, "Time heals."
The cure for my illness did come in time. 

Just the right time.
(Probably gonna write about this in part 2).