Thoughts. Home. Me. Him. Everyone. Everything.

I enjoyed being me, in this situation, with the people and things I have. But of course, it's not 'humanly' if you're easily satisfied by what you have and what you do. I live in a house full of everything; food, facilities, a complete family with the bonus of my grandmother. I'm in the situation where I have people who listens to me; a boyfriend, best friends, and sisters. But still, why don't I feel satisfied? Why don't I feel.. happy?
It's not that I'm not grateful, it's just that I wish things are simpler and easier.

It's been several months-- maybe even more than a year, that I finally let go of the most "toxic" person in my life. 

You know what? What people say about getting rid of toxic people from your life and thus it'll make things easier is totally questionable. How come mine gets harder?

I didn't let him go to make him appear in my dream every single night. I didn't let him go to remind myself of every. single. pain. he caused me. It's just as if it's a curse to have him and it goes worse when I let him go. Every time I thought of this, it makes me sick. It makes me want to puke.

At home. I wish that I could control things better. 

How I managed my emotions towards my sister, how I managed to behave in front of my mom. I wish I could be that one, perfect, daughter & sister. Well, maybe "perfect" is too unreachable, at least a better one.

--

Every day I imagined that I'm in a movie, starring me as the main star who plays the role of a stupid, indecisive, emotional woman who lives in a perfect situation but she never gets herself together and that's why she doesn't get satisfied of her life. While I'm doing the dishes or drying my clothes, I talk to myself as if it's a monologue session of me, talking about whatever it is happening on the day. It's like I could even make a script out of it.

Each of my monologue consists of,

"In the end, you'll die anyway. Just not today."

Yeah, I always think about dying as something I'd face to leave the bad (and good) things behind. But I never thought that it's going to be something I 'd do purposely.

This morning's monologue was different.
Do you know how does it feel when you and your thoughts just get worse day by day? And you're thinking that, maybe you've had too much?

My monologue morphed from "..just not today.", to "..maybe today?"

___________

Solo, 28th of December 2019.

Satutujuan. 1:47 PM.

It was August 19th

I remembered it was on August 19th, 5 am in the morning. I was sleeping at my friend's because I finished an event a bit late at night so I wouldn't risk walking home from my bus stop. Plus no one's gonna accompany me to talk on the phone.

I remembered what happened right after. I could still feel the hurt that cut my chest-- that kind of hurt where it gets your whole body to ache. I opened my laptop and listened to Boyz II Men ft. Taylor Swift's "Two is Better Than One", a song I planned for my wedding day. Which I think won't happen, most likely. I absorbed the feelings, listened to the song, and mumbled the lyrics so that I don't wake my friend beside me. I cried. The kind of crying that babies do.

The second song was Ratu, "Baik-baik Saja". It was as if I was prepared, because that song had been going on my playlist since the past two weeks. Again, with the mumbling, I cried my pain out of the silent words.

I tried my best not to tell anyone because I know he's a good person, and I don't want to take that label off of people's head. He is indeed a good man, but maybe I'm just no suit for him. I'm too harsh, aye? Maybe if it wasn't me, it's not going to be a big deal. Maybe it would just be something that's easy to get over with. I'm kind of sorry it has to be me.

But it was painful, to be honest. I knew that he was the best man I could ever be in love with, but maybe I don't believe in that anymore.

I remembered it was on August 19th, I don't believe in love and honesty anymore.

___________
Brisbane, QLD
20th of August 2019. 2:51 AM.

-

There were just so many unspoken feelings
I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried to arrange the words
Though at last I tried,
I always received the response I didn't want

I cried in my room a lot,
being just by myself, crying,
without having anyone to lean on to.

They said having a lover supposed to make your burdens feel lighter.
Why mine doesn't?

Was it because of me,
or him who couldn't understand what I felt
or what?

I can't say he's wrong,
I can't say anyone is wrong in responding to one's story.
But I don't think I wanted the response I get to every story is this similar kind.

I never wanted anything but companion.
Yet that's the only thing I can't get.

___________
Fri, 17th of May 2019
Indekos. With laughters,
but from two rooms away.

-

I feel like dying.

___________
12th of May 2019. 10:43 PM.
-

empty

No double letter texts,

as I remembered the last time I received those kinds of messages was last semester.

Did I do something wrong?

No asking for a dine or brunch outside campus,

as I remembered we used to love hanging out together.

Was it me again?

No more exploding laughs together,

as I remember we had the same sense of humor back then.

Maybe she changed. Or me.

We sat together everyday,
walked,
but we were barely together
talked,
but we were barely there.

I thought she had changed.
Or maybe it was just me all along, as usual.

I wish she would explain everything rather than making me think till it hurts my head.
Who knew you would be depressed over a friend?

___________
SOC,
March 2nd, 2019. 9:18 AM.
Sumber.

A Journey to Move Forward

Making peace with our past was never an easy thing to begin with.

Let's start with my struggle.

3 years of an on-and-off relationship dug holes in many parts of my heart. Without trying to hyperbolise, the fact that my past relationship brought the most tears to my high school life really put on so many negative impacts on my current life.

"Why don't you just move on already? He's sick.", said most people.

No matter how logical I'm trying to think and act, the practical move was (and is) not something I could master at one time directly. I trained myself not to act up when looking at his pictures, done. I made myself got used to knowing him with other girls, checked. I even habituate on hearing rumours about him among all my friends. But why does every time I see him in person, it's always a difficult thing to manage?

I definitely don't practice seeing him with-- an effort to move on? And in that case, seeing him is the same as having a pile of hatreds, disappointments, and sadness served right in front of my eyes.

Knowing that I was unwanted yet I kept on suffering to maintain my relationship really hit me. Have you ever had that intuition where you felt like your lover is having feelings for someone else he couldn't reach, and in the meantime he decided keep you just because he knew you would accept him at all times? I did. And guess what? They finally ended up being together. With leaving me, just like a worthless piece of trash.

I did all the things I could to make myself feel better-- from completely blocking him out until getting used to seeing him on social media. The results are the same, every time I see him it still scrambles my heart. It still blows the fire inside me. It still hurts.

It's been 7 months since the last time we contacted each other. Ever since, I never felt better yet worse at the same time. It's like I'm between the junction of hatreds and letting go. Two different things, occurring at the same time.

People say in order to move on, maybe the right way is to find a new one.

Yes, and no.

I found opening my heart to someone else enhances my spirit on getting through my days. But for me, being able to function better each day is not the same with letting go and forgiving. I thought I needed an explanation. I thought I needed an apology. But, would it really work?

___________

Surakarta,

8th of February 2019. 12:42 AM.

Sumber.