Thoughts. Home. Me. Him. Everyone. Everything.

I enjoyed being me, in this situation, with the people and things I have. But of course, it's not 'humanly' if you're easily satisfied by what you have and what you do. I live in a house full of everything; food, facilities, a complete family with the bonus of my grandmother. I'm in the situation where I have people who listens to me; a boyfriend, best friends, and sisters. But still, why don't I feel satisfied? Why don't I feel.. happy?
It's not that I'm not grateful, it's just that I wish things are simpler and easier.

It's been several months-- maybe even more than a year, that I finally let go of the most "toxic" person in my life. 

You know what? What people say about getting rid of toxic people from your life and thus it'll make things easier is totally questionable. How come mine gets harder?

I didn't let him go to make him appear in my dream every single night. I didn't let him go to remind myself of every. single. pain. he caused me. It's just as if it's a curse to have him and it goes worse when I let him go. Every time I thought of this, it makes me sick. It makes me want to puke.

At home. I wish that I could control things better. 

How I managed my emotions towards my sister, how I managed to behave in front of my mom. I wish I could be that one, perfect, daughter & sister. Well, maybe "perfect" is too unreachable, at least a better one.

--

Every day I imagined that I'm in a movie, starring me as the main star who plays the role of a stupid, indecisive, emotional woman who lives in a perfect situation but she never gets herself together and that's why she doesn't get satisfied of her life. While I'm doing the dishes or drying my clothes, I talk to myself as if it's a monologue session of me, talking about whatever it is happening on the day. It's like I could even make a script out of it.

Each of my monologue consists of,

"In the end, you'll die anyway. Just not today."

Yeah, I always think about dying as something I'd face to leave the bad (and good) things behind. But I never thought that it's going to be something I 'd do purposely.

This morning's monologue was different.
Do you know how does it feel when you and your thoughts just get worse day by day? And you're thinking that, maybe you've had too much?

My monologue morphed from "..just not today.", to "..maybe today?"

___________

Solo, 28th of December 2019.

Satutujuan. 1:47 PM.