What Was Promised Won't Happen Again;

December eleventh; 2017.
remember what tragedy happened
at the exact same time last year?

here's to the one who promised so much;

yet broke them all

fuck you.

Coping and Being Offended

Today I went home, wet in tears.
I forgot when was the last time I cried...
...because of a friend.

College life has started.

Meeting new people and having to deal with lots of characteristic are not simple. You must have some kind of strategies to prevent yourself from failing in society,

Take me as an example.

I'm not the kind of person who can build such conversation with new people. I often stay quiet until I find something similar with them or something comfortable to talk about. Things  would go worse when people's first impression about me gone wrong because.. I don't smile. In a new environment, I literally smile on pictures only.

The thing about the illustration above was: it's easier for me to filter the people I want to have in my life. I don't talk and smile much, therefore it's not easy for people to get close to me in a short time. And for me too. In my silence, I differentiate humans and their similarity with me.

3 months passed,
things have changed a lot.
I started to get (half) the hang of college and its shits. Having lots of assignments, reading, quiz, and I also started to filter the people I need in my life. There were many "groupies" I have been in until I finally found the "most comfortable" thing in a person.

But it doesn't stop there.

When you think you already found the one who suits you, it does not mean there won't be any disturbances you'll find in dealing with them. No matter how similar or maybe the same you are as them, still,
Do not yet put your hopes up.
Especially in a new environment.
Yes, we all want to have that place in a person where we can talk about everything and all our buried secrets and life stories. Hang in there, observe, then finally decide.

See them in their worst,
that way you can finally choose to open up.
"Will I ever be able to cope with this characteristic?"

Again, take me as an example.

As a person who took a pretty long time to analyse people's negatives and positives, I still find many challenges in coping with a person,
even that person is close.
Even that person is the one I am with everyday.
We have so much in common, we share the same things, we have the same experience, we talk about pretty much the same topics, and we also have the same perception towards things. It went for a long time until
one day,
I finally saw the worst in this person.

Considered as a stupid person who couldn't do anything as if I know nothing and worthless is the shit I can be most offended by.
And that was exactly what this person did.

...

My reaction towards it was the first three lines of this blog. Yes, I cried.
It was not expected at all. How would you feel when someone you consider "close" did something that breaks your heart the most? I finally thought of staying away...

But I did not.
Yes, I got so offended that I cried the fuck out until an Uber driver asked if I need a tissue. However, what we should note here is: "Will I ever be able to cope with this characteristic?"
We finally spoke, and there was a reason behind it. This is why, not all bad behaviour of a person is an absolute negative. There may be some reason behind their actions, then it's our choice to decide whether we should leave or cope with them.

And I choose to cope so.

'cause that's what I want someone does to me too.
_________________________________
Yogyakarta,
4th of December 2017. 3:01 PM.
First day of minggu tenang. *sipping ice tea on my bed*

Messed Up

Greetings to my old, dusty blog.

God it's been like months since I wrote my last blog. *remembering those good old times of Lantai Bumi*.
And from the gaps of time I did not write anything, so MANY things changed; from situations to people. Disappeared, came across, gone, replaced.. too much I can't even describe each one.

I also deleted some, well probably most of my writings I posted due to their disgustingness. So I decided to keep them private. Who would even want to read them (again) anyway?

*sighs*
I have been so goddamn tired.

What a sub-heading, right.

I am in college now and just fyi I made it to the faculty and university of my junior-high dream (even though not the program I wanted). Apart from the euphoria of getting accepted, the follow-up after it was where the shit got real. I thought being in the faculty of "healing mental illness" would at least prevent me from getting depressed. Not at all.

Papers, quizes, exams, organisations, committees, friends, lov-

...nevermind.

Those above were what have been torturing me in my first two months of college.

Adapting to a new situation was not a new thing for me. Flashing back to the history that my family never stayed in one place, I was the freshman girl that adapted pretty well, and fast. So before entering college I did not prepare anything in particular, such as...

Mentality.

I never thought the importance of mental health would be a thing to mind in college. My definition of mental health here is: emotionally stable, keeping calm, and not overthinking things that don't matter.
The assignments of college are already killing and mentally prepared for the things outside academic matter is so very necessary.

I started the first month of college with the problem of (sorry) l****ove. I know, disgusting. But it was the goddamn reality. And you know? It fucked me up. Literally   f u c k e d   m e   u p.

I was not prepared for anything such as heartbreaks because I thought everything was going to be okay I mean hey, we're in college now, we're being adults here, things like BETRAYING or something like that should (have) NOT happen, right? But then the truth of life came up and blew the idealism of faith. Not going to write anything "pathetic" for now, I am still disgusted.

There.
First chaos of college got me all messed up. I could not differentiate between my own priority of life. The time I got fucked up or I should say "heartbroken" made me lost my mind and I started to destruct my own mission of the first vision of getting in college: "Studying and Improving Positiveness for Myself (Then for Others)."

Not having enough sleep, thinking "what did I even do?" over Ivan Pavlov's experiment, and most of all: losing my confidence; were the the top 3 things which caught me up in a mess.

No, not just a mess.
Wrecked up. Destroyed. Trampled.

_________________________________
Yogyakarta,
9th of October 2017. 7:13 AM.
Today's midterm exam is Civics. I should have been studying now, not sipping coffee in McDonald's. Wish me luck.
_________________________________

People say, "Time heals."
The cure for my illness did come in time. 

Just the right time.
(Probably gonna write about this in part 2).

Take-off Position, Ready?

Well, hell-o!

It's been a rough, tough week (as the weeks before, actually). But, yea. I finally built my ambitions (again)! Too much sadness until I couldn't even feel it anymore.. So I started to think about the other things, such as: "Hey, Neen, have you even got accepted to college yet? What the hell were you thinking? Is being pathetic like this will help you through SBMPTN and the other 'life-tests'?" AHAHA. Yes. I literally said that to myself.

It's the 4th week of April and I haven't seen any progress(es) from myself in probably.. ANYTHING. Yes, I am exposing my own bad side, but hey, I am doing this for a reason. If one day you guys see me at the top of the world, you can read about the struggles I've been through, all the things that 'hampered' me at the beginning, and also, the stages of my pathetic-ness.

_________________________________
Yogyakarta,
21st of April 2017. 8:08 AM.
Happy birthday Ibu Kartini, and Athaya.

New Sadness, New Writings.

10:56, Lantai Bumi Coffee & Space.

Thinking, figuring out, and being confused. 

What the heck is going on with my life? What am I going to do with all the mess I made? It’s been, I don’t know, it’s since forever that I’m stuck with these mixed up feelings that I can’t even figure out. Everything’s a mess. Everything’s uncontrolled.

There, that is the writing of an extremely depressed teenage girl. It’s worse when you see her in real life; burned skin, a pair of kate-spade-worth eyebags, and a frown that literally completes her depressed appearance. *sips her morning caffe-latte*
But, hey, it's not going to be that bad.
Cause I'll see myself drowning in (sad) writings.
to prove: https://www.wired.com/2010/10/feeling-sad-makes-us-more-creative/

_________________________________________

Yogyakarta,
16th of April 2017. 11:27.
Lantai Bumi knows all my secret.