You

I'm at the point where,
I don't feel like myself.
Leaving the things I should be doing,
Not listening to words I should be listening to,
And not acting like how I should be acting.
The only reason to this is only one,
Irrational, stupid thing,
You.

Yogyakarta,
1st of December 2016. 01:04 AM.
-quoted from my journal-

Betrayals

I thought I declared peace, but I became worse.
The feeling of trying to be at peace suddenly faded and turned to hatreds.

Have you ever felt betrayed?

By the person you trust the most, or the person you love.
Even the person that already went away.

I should've felt okay with knowing that he was gone and he had someone else and blablabla.
But I guess it was right to feel this way because,

he did that while we were still happening.

Can you even imagine how horrible I felt the time I knew about it?
It was pathetic.
The sadness was worse than the first.
I went crazier than before, I don't know how to explain this.

I actually promised myself to be okay when I hear about it,
but I didn't. I broke my own promise.

I should have known.

The feeling of getting betrayed, the feeling of that 'someone' is going to take him away from me was already in my head since forever.
I don't know if "girls" really do have these common senses where they usually got the right feelings, but this one does make me feel like I'm a pro.

I was right.

It wasn't because "I'm sorry but I had no feelings anymore", but it was because "I need to be free without you being such a strict bitch that controls me every time therefore I couldn't be with her."

Bang.
Headshot neen.

___________________________________________________

Yogyakarta,
10th of November 2016. 3:19 AM.
(Happy National Heroic Day, be a hero for your own self.)

I Declare Peace - #DailyJournal

After a few days of being prisoned by sadness,
After I swell my eyes because I cried the fuck out of everything,

I can finally write this.

I decided to let it all go.
Let it all happen and flow.
I can finally start being happy.

I want myself to be comfortable with the situation I'm in.
I want my mind to be peaceful, at least.
So,
I declare peace. Upon the sadness and me.

___________________________________________________


Today I got a text.
He asked for help and I helped.
I became sad again, but not for the same reason as before,
but,

It means he deleted the line "Missed call at 3:56 AM" on his bar name.
Bitj.
Well, he probably read my blog and that's why.
(If you're reading then hi, this is for you.)

___________________________________________________

There was a thing that woke me up,
to become happy, and to accept everything.
It was a novel written by Tere Liye titled Tentang Kamu.

There was this one line:

"Aku tidak menangis karena sesuatu telah berakhir, tapi aku akan tersenyum karena sesuatu itu pernah terjadi." (I'm not crying because something had ended, but I'm going to smile because that something had once happened.)

I don't know whether it's me that's too "philosophic" or what, but it really brought the spirit for me to be happy.
It made me realise that, well, I should've been thankful because it has happened to me, rather than not having the chance to experience it.
And so here I am.
Being happy.

But how about my feelings right now? Do I still feel the same?
Well, it's obviously a secret. But, I think it's also very easy to guess what I'm feeling.

I hope I can be a better, happier, wiser, and kinder person. Just because one part of me broke, doesn't mean the rest are ruined. I might lose the half of me, but that doesn't mean I have to stop being happy and desperate.

It was his decision to end this (and indirectly mine too), so if that's what makes him happy,
then I sure am happy too. :)

___________________________________________________

Yogyakarta,
8th of November 2016. 9:23 AM.

"Missed call at 3:56 AM"

"you don't feel the same anymore, do you?"
":("

...


Each sentence you sent brought me hundreds of tears.
I tried to be strong, I really tried.
I kept on replying and replying,

until I couldn't stand it.

Until all I could do was to only read it.

And left the bar with the message,
"Missed call at 3:56"

(so at least I can feel you were looking for me).

Yogyakarta,
6th of November 2016.
in the middle of my full-of-tears bed.

___________________________________________________

Well,

all I could remember was the pain.
The way it stroke just right in my chest. Just right.

At that cursed night, (or I can say morning) it happened.
The words, the sentences I never wanted to receive ever again, came up.

I still didn't know what I did.
Or where I went wrong.
All I knew was I tried my best to be a good partner.
But I did the opposite instead.

From that cursed night,
I kept on asking myself, "Why?"

What Would You Do?

Well, it'd be a long and cliche paragraph if I write about the ups in a relationship.
so now, I'm writing about the downs.

Practically from the thing outside,
but substantively from inside.

It's the thing that lasts longer than any other downs,
and you know you couldn't get rid of it like any other downs.

What would you do when you're pulled by two different sides of your life?
Each part that pulls you are the same.
Each part that pulls you are the thing you would possibly couldn't live without.
Each part that pulls you are love. But in a different way.

What would you do,
when you're pulled by the love that made you feel alive,
and by the love that has brought you to life?

(I also hope I would understand whatever I've written this far)

I only feel like writing when I'm alone.
No matter in what situation, whenever I feel sad and lonely there are thousands of phrases running through my head.
Just like tonight.

Forgetting about the tests I have tomorrow,
tonight I'm lonely and sad.

Have you ever felt like you're such a big waste?
Like, everything you do is a big regret of time and energy and emotion and everything.
No matter it's a good or bad thing, you think you're gonna regret them soon.
This anxiety is such a disease.
It disturbs.
It doesn't feel right.

(it's 12:01 am and I don't know what I'm writing)

Everything becomes worse when you make a mistake.
One little mistake, then all your kindness becomes nonetheless.

(I still don't know what I'm writing)

You would easily give everything in the name of love,
but it's so hard not to give everything in the name of love.

It's so easy to give everything to the person you love,
but it's so hard to reject one thing from the person you love.

Especially when that something is the thing that destroys you.
possessiveness, pushed emotions, coercive actions, etc.

(I also hope I would understand whatever I've written this far)